Last Flowers
by Yoshiyuki Ly
Summary: High school AU, based off of a personal experience. Rated for language. One-shot.


**Note: 'Tis a one-shot**, and rated M for suggestive language. Written 8/2008.

_And I can't face the evening straight  
And you can't offer me escape  
Houses live and houses speak  
If you take me there you'll get relief...  
Believe, believe, believe, believe..._

_It's too much  
Too bright  
Too powerful_

Last Flowers by Radiohead

I don't really know what to do. I try to distract myself. But...I cannot escape. Your. Seduction. Your imaginary seduction that I've created from your looks. Your intelligence. Your insecurities. They all appeal to me in ways that should not, but they do anyway. My defiance only makes my nerves float through my body even faster. My desires only make you seem like that much more of a perfect, _perfect _flower.

My heart pounds in my chest every time I imagine your body; your stem and petals. Clothed or not, thorns or no thorns, it still pounds away. Pounding and pounding until I just want to scream my carnal desires for you in those lovely ears of yours; your leaves. I want to run my words down your body and send your head swimming higher than even you alone have ever reached. I want you to blossom in the sunlight of my smile. My smile that's right where you need it to be...

I can take you higher. I can take you high enough. I'll fly you over everything...

If only you'd let me...if you only knew it's you that I'm talking about right now.

I just want to talk. Please don't interrupt. Just sit back and listen.

It was September when I finally decided to change. It was September when I realized that maybe my life would be more fulfilling if I just opened up to people more. Harry had to change schools two years prior, and while we still kept in contact, it just wasn't the same. Ron was too caught up with other girls because I stopped paying attention to him out of the blue after Harry left. I guess he didn't like it.

I remembered the way you and Cho were in our junior year. Inseparable. I always wondered if I made a mistake in treating you with disinterest in our freshman and sophomore years. Back when all I heard about you were stories about you being such a drama queen. People made fun of you behind your back; 'Oh, Fleur's so pretty and smart but her family's piss poor just like the rest of us. We have nothing else better to do than to be jealous of her resolve, so let's act like we hate her.'

I always hated the people who did that. But for some reason, I slowly went down that trail. You didn't think I did; I always acted rather cold towards everyone. If you didn't have pages sticking out from your ass or words written on your face, I didn't care what you had to say.

But once September came around, and I realized that I had less than a year to get myself together, I suddenly cared about what you had to say. A lot. You never judged me; you never figured out that I disliked you for silly reasons. You always treated me with a distant respect because there was a part of you that could tell I didn't want your company. It was because you knew how to read me that you never acted friendly or cold towards me.

I never appreciated anyone so much in my entire life when I realized this.

I was slowly starting to get it during History class in junior year. It was the only class we had together. Sometimes you were there, most times you were not. At first I thought it was laziness. It wasn't until November that I found out the real reason why you were absent so much. But whenever you were in class, you were always making jokes with Neville and Hannah. Sometimes I'd find myself laughing right along with you, and you'd look pleasantly surprised to see me smile. It always made me feel better when you appreciated my laughter, so I slowly started coming out of my shell more with you.

And only you.

Over the summer, I began piecing things together. You really didn't seem as bad as people said you were. I wanted to get to know you. Besides, it was our senior year. I'd probably never see you again once we graduated and moved on to college. Or at least I wouldn't see you as much, anyway.

That made my heart ache a bit.

September came around when I finally gathered the courage to reach out to you. I've always been rather horrible with expressing myself to people with words, so I just wrote you a letter. I didn't know why I was so nervous to give it to you, though. But I finally went along with it during Calculus. I got up and slipped the letter on your desk while you and Cho were laughing, then casually asked Dr. Weber to use the restroom even though I didn't have to. Well, it turns out I did when I got there.

I really had no idea why I was so nervous.

After school, I found you by Mr. Rupert's class. I decided to join Robotics again, but I told myself it had nothing to do with you. You smiled at me when I approached you, and said it would be okay for me to go to you whenever I needed anything. You really appreciated my words, and you took them to heart. You didn't rip them up or laugh in my face. You just shook your hair behind your shoulders and put your lacrosse stick down to hug me before we went inside to the meeting.

All the rumors I believed about you seemed so false. You stayed with me the entire meeting, and walked with me down to the buses. I was glad I was brave enough to ask for your friendship.

I promised myself that I'd never do anything to hurt you.

Do you remember the day you saw me cry? The first day, anyway. It was in October.

October was when I began to feel strange.

We were scheduled for a field trip of a college tour early that month. I was determined to sit next to you on the bus, and you didn't seem to mind. Cho and the others were on the first bus, and I was supposed to be with them, but I decided to keep you company. I could tell you appreciated it.

This is when I began to wonder about something while we waited for the second bus to arrive. While we sat in the shade after you put your book down to give me your attention, we saw Draco and Pansy nearby. Pansy was sitting on Draco's lap practically while they flirted. It disgusted you, and you spoke up to me about it. I'd nearly forgotten how scathing you could be sometimes, but shrugged it off. I was right along with you in your teasing of them, because I didn't know better. Hell, I didn't give a damn about them; they could make out all they wanted.

But I wanted you to like me, so I went with it. I wanted us to have something in common; teasing Pansy and Draco seemed like one thing we could always do together.

I didn't think anything of it.

When we got on our bus, I decided to use your shoulder as a pillow as we listened to my music together. But even though I could tell you liked the songs as you gazed serenely out the window...I didn't. They made me think about you in ways I'd never thought about anyone before. Songs about love, hurt, or just friendship...

Because I was in such close proximity to you at the time, I found myself wondering about you. I was inhaling your fresh scent every time I took a breath. I was right by your hair shining in the morning sunlight. Your maroon turtle neck and tan shorts looked like they were in the way; I was so close to touching your skin. I was scared... Suddenly, all of the little sensations you'd given me over the past months made sense.

I kept listening to the songs, and I kept blowing the lyrics out of proportion. They made my heart wrench, they made my heart soar, and they made my mind reel...for you.

I suddenly found myself needing to blow my nose...I had cried a dark trail down your sweater, but you didn't notice.

I was crying because I wanted to stop everything. I wanted to tell you how much I was going to miss you once we graduated...but, more importantly...

I wanted to tell you that I wanted to do a lot more than what we were doing right then. Our minds were on the same track; why couldn't our hearts be one as well? Do you know how much I wanted you to kiss away the saline on my face? The saline of frustration and lust over you and only you?

I wasn't even sounding like myself anymore. I knew I never really took a liking to a bloke in the past, but you never struck me as anyone I'd fall in love with. Sure, you were beautiful. But I always ignored that as I buried you under my supposed disrespect like everyone else did.

Suddenly, your silver-blonde hair seemed brighter. Your crystalline eyes as I remembered them were kinder. Your hugs from my memories were softer, and more compassionate... I could almost feel you hugging me again as the bus stopped. I all but heard everyone walk off the bus while you sat next to me, worried that I was crying, what was to you, for no reason at all...

Turns out you really were.

When you put your arms around me, I felt vulnerable and strong at the same time. Weak because you needed to comfort me; empowered because you cared enough to do so. But it wasn't enough.

It was never enough. I was never satisfied.

It wasn't until November that I began to let the fantasies slide as I stared at you in Calculus, which was the only class we shared that year. I'd feel a little happier every time I heard your laugh. I'd even slip a smile at Cho whenever we made eye contact for making you so happy. After a while, you took to calling me your 'favorite person', just because I always made you smile..

The three of us started sitting next to each other during lunch outside. Luna joined us as well. It would always be the four of us, chatting and eating. It would always be the four of us, laughing and making fun of Draco or Pansy's latest fuck ups in class that day...

But it would always just be me wondering why I wanted to do more than just chat and eat and laugh. And not with Luna and Cho. Just with you...

I wanted to do things to you. Things that never crossed my mind until I began to wonder what it would be like...to cross your heart with my mouth. Cross it on the way down to your hills like white elephants. Down to your everything, and chip away at your secrets with lust-filled abandon. Would it ever be enough? No.

I wanted you to want me.

I wanted to ask you the questions plaguing my mind, my psyche, and my common sense - what would you do if I did _this?_ Or _this?_ Or maybe even_ this?_

I didn't know what you would say. I was afraid I'd push you away.

The second time you saw me cry...it was even worse, though I shed far less tears. More than you cared to see, anyway. I knew it pained you. Your disdainful tone told me that much.

But before that, it was in mid-November when I found you alone after getting breakfast. You and I sat directly across from each other under the tree as you told me your story. Your story that made my heart wrench, made my tears threaten to fall, and made my mind hate myself for continuing with my silly fantasies. I didn't know who was wilting more at the time; me or you...

I forgot you had a boyfriend.

You and your boyfriend had gotten into an argument the night before. I listened to you as I could tell you tried to keep yourself from crying. I couldn't even eat my food; I just threw it away after I walked you to class. The hug we shared before we parted that time felt longer, warmer, and more meaningful than the ones we'd shared before.

I found myself hoping that maybe, just maybe, I could help you move on...

The next day, you weren't at school. I asked Cho where you were, and she told me that you stayed home. You were sick, still extremely upset, and your mother was in and out of the hospital. I had no idea.

I sat next to Cho during Calculus that day. In between lectures, we slipped notes to each other about you on her purple post-it notes. This is when I found out what you and your boyfriend were usually up to when he went to visit you.

This is also when I found out what sixty-nine _really _meant...

Naturally, I laughed it off. I laughed loudly. Dr. Weber stared at me with a small smile on his face, but I merely waved my hand in front of my face. Not as a sign of being dismissive; my eyes were tearing up. They stung. My heart was beating slower and slower by the second until I got an idea.

I asked Cho if it would be ok for us to go visit you. You, Cho, and Luna all lived around the same area, but I did not. Cho said it would be fine, and she could have her sister drive us over there. I told my mum some excuse about giving you make-up work and homework, and she said it would be fine if I went to see you. I was smiling all day at the prospect of surprising you. I couldn't help calling you at lunch to check up on you, and I could tell by your tone that you were grateful that I called.

I forgot my pain in an instant. I was once again determined to just be there for you at the very least. I wanted to comfort you.

Cho told me that she couldn't stay for long, but she and her sister would still drop me off. I was happier than ever as Cho knocked on your door. Your mother greeted us warmly and hugged the both of us before you came to meet us at the door. You looked like you spent the whole day crying, but I had to keep smiling because you were. You were happy to see us. Cho handed you your homework, then left with her sister as you led me to your room.

Your house surprised me, you know. I know neither of us had much money, but I still assumed that perhaps your house would have been a little more glamorous. But no. It was just as you were right then; decent-looking because there was a guest in the house. I knew there were hidden things in every nook and cranny, just like you.

I wanted to see those things. So much.

I was nervous again as I sat on your bed. You took my jacket and hung it up in your closet while you excused yourself to finish laundry. I could tell you were pleasantly surprised that I decided to drop by, and I was glad to make you forget your pain for a moment...

But the entire visit was just so awkward. Your boyfriend was calling every two minutes, and it literally got to the point where you had to throw the phone across the room in an attempt to break it for you to ignore him. I just sat on your bed with you, hungry for food...and a bit of you...while you once again tried to keep from crying.

When your mother came in and said she was going to Bible study, my heart did a double-take. We just smiled and said good bye before she closed the door to your room... We were alone in your house at that point.

Hours passed while I just listened to you talk about anything and everything. Mostly your boyfriend. I heard everything you said, but I...I wanted to do more than listen to you talk. I wanted to listen to your moans, your screams, your sharp breaths...

I wanted to whisk all of your problems away, just like you'd done for me. I hardly considered it a problem that I wanted you so badly, because it was such a good feeling. A good feeling that I wanted to share with you...but I was too shy. Too scared. The thought of actually _putting _my thoughts to action made me shiver...

More time went by and you called your sister to see where she was. You were sitting on the floor, trying to do homework, but was obviously distracted. I lay on your bed and watched you talk. I watched you sigh, swallow, bite your lip, twirl your hair, try to laugh... Your forced happiness made me feel horrible. I couldn't help but let a tear slide down my face as I watched you...and you noticed. You asked me sadly why I was crying.

I never did answer you.

I was crying because I wanted to snap that phone shut. I wanted to snap your defiance shut, bring you on the bed, and rip into your sex until you couldn't take it anymore.

Why, I'll never know. I just want you.

When it was time for me to go, you mused and asked if my mum was going to think you were a lesbian for making me stay with you for so late. I laughed and said no, but that made my heart beats slow down again. We stood in front of each other awkwardly in your room; I couldn't look at your face. Luckily, you decided it would be a good time for a hug...

You told me thank you. You told me that you needed me right then...so much. You told me you were glad to have me there. You told me you needed me...

You told me you love me...so much...

Months went by, and things were still normal between us. My feelings for you were ever growing, never slowing, but you never noticed. You and your boyfriend got back together on Christmas Day, and I was happy for you. We made fun of Draco and Pansy much more often, and I even believed that I disliked them. I'd always make you, Cho, and Luna laugh with my tantalizing jokes about them and everyone else who I knew hated you. Anyone who was on your bad side was on my bad side; I found myself making enemies out of nowhere. But I stuck with you because I loved you.

I practically worshiped the ground you walked on and the air you breathed.

But still, deep down, I was kicking myself for not telling you how I felt when we were alone in your room...but your lesbian comment did it for me.

I couldn't tell you. You weren't a lesbian. You were straight. I had no chance.

You were out of my league, even more so than before I realized my feelings for you. It was because we were so close that I felt so distant from you. I felt obligated to tell you; it pained me every day that you didn't know.

But I couldn't bring myself to wonder if I'd be seeing your last smile for me before I told you. I refused to tell you.

April came and went, as did our friendship on one day alone; April Fool's Day. I was feeling strangely confident about telling you how I felt that day for some reason. It had been bothering me to the point of near daily tears, and I needed to tell you that day.

But this was also the day your scathing personality slapped me in the face again. You and Luna decided it would be best to leave Hannah out of our group of friends. Cho had agreed to it, but was very reluctant to go about it.

I was hurt. I didn't know why you were feeling so insecure as to think that Hannah was more important to us than you. The worst part was that I overheard your conversation with Luna. And because I was completely angry at you, I didn't want to hear your side of the story. I didn't care what excuses you had made, because I realized that you were always hiding behind a false exterior.

Cho and I had a talk about you. She told me that you weren't always very nice to your mother. Even when you and your boyfriend argued, Cho always wanted to take his side. Cho cried herself to sleep many a night over you, because she loved you as her best friend, but she felt so trapped. You trapped her with your possessiveness, but I always thought it was because you two were always so close.

I told Hannah what I overheard. She cried for hours. I cried myself to sleep that night. I knew I betrayed you, but I didn't care. I was so blinded by your perfection, your beauty, and my damn feelings for you that I couldn't believe that you could be so harsh and petty.

I made the mistake of showing my anger with you. Cho had always kept it inside, but that was why she cried almost every night after venting to Cedric. When you came out of English once school was over, you were about to hug me...but you noticed my scowl. You noticed my tense body language.

You noticed that I betrayed you.

All you did was scoff at me and walk off to lacrosse practice. I told myself I didn't care; I even smirked and watched as you stormed off.

I felt like I was above you. I felt like I won, and you got what you deserved for treating Hannah with so much disrespect.

You got what you deserved for tricking me into lusting over you for so many months...

And now graduation has come and gone. You and I haven't spoken since prom. Prom was when I decided to wear a tuxedo and ask you to dance after panicking the whole time about your late arrival; I paced around the entire hotel until you and Luna arrived. Prom was when you turned me down and said "Not there yet." You walked away and left me standing in that corner with my hand extended out to you, completely shocked.

Yet, because even though I apologized, you weren't ready to accept it.

I was devastated once I realized that you really weren't speaking to me after that day you stalked off. I made fun of you behind your back to anyone who would listen all those months we went without speaking. I was right back to where I was at the beginning of the school year, except now, everyone actually had a reason to hate me. I neglected my school work because I felt a void in my heart that I knew you'd never fill, because you hated me. I turned into a cheater and a liar because I was running away from it all.

I refused to accept that I was depressed and still lusting over you.

You said things would never be the same again because I showed you the type of person I really am. I nodded apologetically and agreed with you at the time, even though my mind was screaming that you were wrong.

But you knew better. You knew I changed, and you knew I was lying, didn't you?

I fell in love with you because you looked inside of me deeper than anyone else had before. But did you look deep down inside of me all those other days when I faltered under your dazzling smiles? Did you see me squirm with joy every time you glanced at me, smiled at me, or just sat there in Calculus looking gorgeous? Did you look and see that I was crying over you in your presence?

I doubt it. You didn't care to see those things, so you never did. I know you'd never feel the same way about me, no matter how romantically I may pour out my emotions to you. You're not a lesbian; you wouldn't understand why I'm so damn attracted to you. To the point where I'd change my whole outlook on life just to make you laugh. To the point where I'd go in another extreme with my values when I realize that I'd finally seen the last smile you had for me.

I know it pains you now, thinking if it's really you I'm talking about. It pains you because you don't know if it's you; you're disturbing yourself, wondering and wondering if it is. I can assure you, it might be.

Your suspicions only make me want to tell you over and over again...right where you need to hear it. Right where I want to say it. Right where I can see the sweat dripping down your porcelain face...smell your liquid heat that refuses to stay inside...

...and taste your every wanton curiosity about what it would be like. What it would be like to let a woman do this to you...it's such a shame you're straight.

And it's such a shame you hate me. You'd hate me even more if you knew how I felt about you, Fleur. Or I just keep telling myself that because I'm afraid of what you've been able to do to me. Not once have you left my fantasies since October. I don't know; maybe I'll never get over this. Apparently, you're still mad at me, and I wonder how long that will last. I also wonder the true reason why you're holding this grudge.

I wonder why you so suddenly took a liking to me once I let you in. Was it because that was when you were happy that you broke my walls down? So that you could start to snake your way in to my every desire, and keep your hold on them and never ever let me let either of you go?

Well, you succeeded.

But I wonder why you keep staying with your boyfriend, even though your relationship has not been very steady at all over these past three years. I wonder why you asked me that question about my mum thinking you to be a lesbian. I wonder why you say you are anti-gay.

And I wonder if my memories of you will be the last flower that blocks my path. My path to healing, redemption, and a general 'move the hell on' kind of path. This endless field of flowers is nothing compared to how esteemed you used to be in my eyes. I've gotten through so many of these flowers with you; I've picked them and given them to you willfully, just to see your smile. I watched you take every single one and thank me every single time; I felt my love for you multiply with every smile, every hug, every hello and every good bye.

But this flower is one that I can't just pick and give back to you. You're still standing next to me, glaring, waiting for me to even try and pick it. But I can't. If I do, I'll forget you. I'll forget every time I writhed in ecstasy over what it would be like to please you. I'll forget every time I imagined me sneaking in your room and making you moan and scream. I'll forget every time my heart would ache for your voice, your smell, your touch...

And your hugs. I'll never forget them. I don't want to forget them.

They were the closest thing I had to holding your perfect body in my arms in the way I needed you. Even if they did drug me every time we exchanged one, they still mean something to me. The smell of your hair still plagues me. I bet you'd feel that much better about yourself if you knew...if you knew everything.

God, I'm so glad I didn't tell you...

But the memories of this flower in my path will always keep me from moving on. Its petals are too bright to forget; too much to overlook...

I still respect you to the point where I can't do that. Every time I even bent down to pick it, it somehow grew thorns. Thorns of your denial, perhaps? Maybe you did love me a little more than you led me to believe. Maybe you felt the same way, and just didn't realize it. I can't just let you go without knowing that it's better for me to just move on. Besides, more and more flowers keep sprouting from the ground the more I argue with myself. And there's one more important fact I'd rather deny...

My feelings for you are too powerful to just pick up and throw away in the wind.


End file.
